YAHOOO!!

I've been going swimming the past couple days at the community pool with a few friends. It's done wonders! I'm at 111.8lbs! go me! Almost back down to where I started before my huge crash and burn. I had about 1,000 calories today. I restricted too much in the morning, and when dinner rolled around I went a little crazy. I have to learn how to balance

I feel like I don;t look like the old 111lbs though. My stomach is flabby, it makes me angry. I understand I need to tone the muscles and I atleast half try, doing abs about 3x a week or more. It worries me where else the pounds are coming off. I don't want to loose muscle mass. GRRRRR

Leaving for camp in 2 days. Sooooooooo excited.

And another piece of good news! My ana friend said a teammate asked her if I had an ED. Which doesn't sound like good news, but it means she's noticed I've lost weight. Is that a bad thing to be excited about? My family is getting more suspicious. But I hate chewing and spitting! I still feel like I'm eating :( I'm always sure to be eating in front of them. I'm not sure what else I can do.

But anyways, some pretty thinspo:) Good luck girls! We can do it

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Today was...better. I fell like it was better, because I didn't go all out crazy with ice cream and shit like that. But I did eat way too much. I woke up and was so hungry. It was too much. I ate that and then went to work. After that  I came home, went for a run and then walked the dog. I'm chewing gum as my dinner.

I'm at 115lbs. So excited to go away for a little while. I feel more in control again. I feel good, but I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve to feel good or hungry. I'm not skinny. Why be anorexic if I'm not skinny. I ate today and that's a crime in itself. I don't deserve these feelings.

What I ate..was a lot. English muffin(120) egg whites (35) cheese (75) cereal (100) milk (60) peanut butter (120) 2 cookies (200) and some chicken (70) which rounds to about 780 calories. I don't deserve to be skinny. 

On the bright side, I wanted to post some famous thinspo to keep me motivated. Hopefully it helps you ladies too ;)

Emma Watson, she is literally on the verge of being under weight but I think she looks literally amazing. I wish  I was a tenth of as pretty as she is.

Emma Stone I liked as a red head best.

I love Kirsten Bell because she is shorter like me :)

Alyson Hannigan is short too!

There are a bunch more celebs I admire, but this is all I'm posting for this one. More to come!

Press Reset

I wish I could reset. I wish I didn't have the demons. I ate and ate and ate. and then of course purged. I gained another four lbs. I think. I'm around 115.4lbs. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm crazy. I'm crying. Why? Why can normal people just eat what they eat? Why can't I just do that and be pretty? Why does it have to be eat everything or eat nothing? Why. I'm such amotherfuckingwhale. But I don't do anything about it. Instead of going for another run, I sit here and cry.

I'm leaving for a stay over camp soon. Excited. My biggest binges are when I'm alone. I won't be alone there. Plus it's a lot of outside time. I'm hoping to get to 100lbs by the end of August. I don't think it's possible though. I want it to but I'm too much of a weak little bitch to achieve it.

I hate sitting here and reading all these other posts by you pretty successful girls. Why am I stuck? Why can't I be loosing and skinny like you? I can't see my hip bones anymore. Fuck.

Just SCREW

Got on the scale, 111lbs. While I should be happy and lucky that I'm still loosing, I'm mad. It used to be about a pound a day. What am I doing wrong? Yes the 730 calories today was a lot, but I exercised too! I hate that the lower you get the harder it is to loose, because gaining is still just as easy! It's a double standard. Screw you metabolism. Go suck an egg. OH WAIT YOU'D GAIN WEIGHT FROM THAT TOO WOULDN'T YOU?

Pissed.

Stupid Moderation

So this morning I tried to get my calorie count up to something a little more healthy, around 500 calories so I could have some energy for the day. Instead, I kind of went on a binge. But it was only around 730 calories. Is that a binge or am I just whining? I'm pissed at myself. I didn't need that many calories. I didn't purge either because I was late to work. 

I feel kind of better though, not as sluggish as before. But still 730 calories is a lot. Got on the scale after, and it showed I gained a complete pound. VERY MAD. I don't think it's all that accurate though, I drank 32 oz of water a few minutes before so perhaps it's off by some number :) Or I'm kidding my self like a fool. sounds more likely to me. 

Not eating for the rest of the day. May post again, just to record my official weight.

Brainy!

I'm pathetic. My whole day consists of dreaming of food, wondering what my weight is at the very moment, and judging all the other fat girls. This is what my life is now? It sounds so stupid but I'm just so obsessed with the numbers. Numbers on the scale, on my waist, hips, and thighs. It's all I think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I argue with myself all the time. I yell at myself for wanting to quit the work out, while the other half of me is so exhausted it doesn't care. It's not multiple personalities, it's the same me, just different faces. Ana is taking me over completely. Is it scary that I don't mind? She's stronger than the old me. More disciplined, more controlled.

Today I was thinking how I ought to start eating more, my sports camp is coming up which means running all day. I'm drained from going up a flight of stairs how can I survive running 6hrs a day!? So part of me says go ahead and eat more but in the meantime the other half laughs at my lack will power.

My brain knows me so well. I'm very lucky to have it. I see food like options on a menu, fully stocked cabinets, or a friend munching on a snack my body quakes and shivers. I need the food, need the energy to survive. But when I get offered my reliable brain calmly says without hesitation, "No thank you I'm not hungry." I love that my brain is smart enough to make sure I don't get fat. Thank you brainy<3

Okay so I am definitively going crazy. I stare at food and think about eating it, how yummy it would taste. In the market I drool over the candies and cookies. But when I try to eat, and put those foods up to my mouth I am repulsed. They do not belong in my body. I feel guilty. My brain does this, thanks again!

Today I weigh 111.4! I ate an apple, half a mini muffin, and a granola bar= 260 calories. I take my measurements on Tuesday. So excited! Hope I lost a few numbers.

Being thin isn't for everyone you're lucky to have the discipline, ladies :)  

Numb

Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Back On Track

Today was a lazy day. I slept in and bummed around the house for majority of the day. I went for a walk and then went to work. Not extremely calorie burning, but not sleeping so I guess that's better than nothing.

I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 116.6! However, at the end of the day I weighed 117.2 :( I know it's not that bad of a difference but it still bugged me. I ate 230 calories in the form of cereal, grapes, mini muffins, Popsicles, and cucumbers. I'm getting addicted to low numbers again. What's stopping me from a caloric intake of double digits? I snack throughout the day and take a long time eating. But when I know I can't afford anymore calories I drink tea. I drink tea like nobody's business.

My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. I feel comfortable with him so I eat. But when I don't eat he gets suspicious. Not sure what to do. I'll try by best to restrict, I want to get down to 112 soon.

I have a food scale and really want to start using it to weigh in food. However, I don't want to create suspicion. Maybe I'll weigh everything when no one is around and prepackage! I'm a genius.

Keep drinking the tea, ladies!

Stay strong, stay skinny

Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.

Drained

so. tired.

I am out of energy. But I feel great! That means I'm doing it right! and today, I'm down to 116.4!

so. tired.

But I'm not at all, because I'm still awake and I just don't want to sleep. Planning my meals out in advance has really helped me stay in control. At night I stumble around the world wide web, research calories and plan my limit for the day. It's helped tremendously.

I promised I'd help my little sister cook for her bake sale. I love cooking, I love feeding people (maybe cause I can watch them stuff their fat faces while I sip water) However, I never want to cook anything bad which means I have to do a fair amount of taste testing. I don't mind doing it, I do it very sparingly it just scares me because I don't know how many calories are going in my already enormous body.

Yesterday, I kept my net calorie intake under 250. Today its around 300. I hate that, being higher than the other day.

I'm going out with my boyfriend sometime this week. I'm nervous. I feel so relaxed around him, it's easy to binge. I don't want to loose all this progress. My stomach is shrunken, to the point where it feels normal to eat 300 calories today, and anything around 800 feels like a binge. I don't want my stomach stretching, but I always feel so good around him I forget about my image. He's my best friend, truly.

Motivation is so hard to find. I don't want to work out. I used to do ab exercises everyday when I was taking in around 1500 calories, but I'm just so tired. I'm making excuses, I know I'm pathetic. But for some reason I just can't dig up the motivation. I look skinny but I still have the lower belly pouch. Abs is so hard, I'd rather do 30min of cardio than 10min of abs. I have no idea why, it's driving me crazy. Please encourage me, I need it.

Stay starving ladies ;)

do you seriously need to think on which you'd rather have?

Highs and Lows

Today was a pretty good day but I'm also a little mad at myself. Just kidding! I hate myself  I'm a big fat cow dripping with cellulite. My arms are like hams and my legs big fat sausages.

The day started out pretty good. Stepped on the scale 117lbs!  In addition, the night before I covered some strawberries in yogurt (Fat free of course!) and put them in the freezer. I had that with some dry cereal for breakfast. Perfect because:

Eat cold foods. Not only does eating it take longer, allowing you to savor it but your body burns calories trying to bring it back to normal temperature.

Today I ate:

1/2 cup cereal                 73

1/2 fat free yogurt            50

3 cups strawberries         145

2 tbsp salsa                     20

cucumber < 3"               1 

3 stalks celery             -15

8 sweet cherries            40

14 coup crackers          66

1/2 cup squash              16

8 pretzels                      51

snack mix                       75

Total: 522 calories

Celery is a negative calorie. a long stalk, about 7" takes about 5 calories to digest due to its cellulose. Humans, unlike cows and other grazers, lack the enzyme that easily disassembles the cellulose, costing the body more calories to break down celery!

Then I went to to do some cardio, which by the beginning I was so weak my intentions were to stop halfway through, but I kept going and finished the full forty five minute routine :) I made my own salsa (killer recipe!) and had a light lunch. After that I walked for forty five minutes as well.

But then things went bad. When I got home I told myself since no one was going to be around I wouldn't eat dinner. But then I did. I didn't purge after which I'm kind of glad for. I hate purging and only do it when necessary.

I ate dinner when I had a perfectly good reason not to. I finally had a way to cut a couple hundred calories with no one noticing and I wasted the opportunity. Poor management. Not only am I a fluborous sack of filth, I'm a complete idiot.

Tomorrow I have the same chance but hopefully I'll make the right choice. I MUST make the right choice

I won't let you down ladies

Stay skinny ;)

READY SET GO!

Starting this Blog today! I was so inspired by all you other girls out there being strong and skinny.

I read your stories late at night (due to terrible insomnia) and relate to every word you type.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

I want to be skinny, too. I need to be skinny. I must compete with all the other girls I see everyday. I must weigh less.

Today, I weigh in at 118lbs! It doesn't sound great, but from where I've started I've lost over 20lbs, it was a big accomplishment. I hate being this fat. I hate that when I get on the scale I know that it groans beneath me. I hate how I weigh 118, it makes me feel great but I look like I weigh 130. What is up with that?

I used to work out all the time, but with so much restricting I feel so tired. I don't have the energy for much. I used to have a four pack but now I'm just lazy too much pot, maybe? I feel as if I must defend my title of the fastest and strongest on my team. What if I can't do that this season because of lack of calories? Yet again, I don't care if I'm this light :)

Also, where did my period go? Will I never be able to have babies (not looking forward to it anyways) Everything is going wrong, but I feel good having dropped a few more pounds this week. I'll worry about it later I guess.

Today I Ate:

1/2 cup cheerios             50

1/4 cup grapes                  28

1/4 cup raisins                120

1/2 cup zuccini               16

1/2 cup squash                16

2 slices sweet potato     40

3 tbsp salsa                      15

2 slices bell pepper          15

1 popsicle                          40  

1 tbsp peanut butter       95

7 baby carrots                      28

1/4 corn on the cob          20

Total: 483 calories

in addition, I also ran today

21 minutes at 7mph       216

24 minutes at 6mph       188

10 minutes at 9mph          134

10 minutes at 5.2mph        80

Total: -618 calories

I'm so tired I don't want to get up and run again tomorrow. I need energy so I must eat. But then I have to run twice as hard to get rid of it. Ever feel like this?