Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing