Looking Up

Yesterday was better than Wednesday. And today even better than that. Kept it hovering around 400, per usual. I was still a little snappish, but better than before. I feel better, toned. A classmate of mine told me I looked great and skinny, and we aren't more than acquaintances. I get nervous when people tell me I look lighter, it makes me uncomfortable, like they'll figure out my secret or something. I worry a lot.

I want to go clothes shopping but I'm too worried. What if I buy things, go on a fender bender binge and then they don't fit anymore? What if my family has had enough of my avoidance and makes me gain weight and then I look like I'm bursting at the seems?

My current binges, which I haven't had since about 4 or 5 days ago, are much smaller than before. Like 1,000 calories feels like a binge to me. I feel gross and I get sad. But it makes me happy binges are on their way to being extinct :)

Family celebrations coming up soon 

=

dinners out

pot lucks

cake

barbecues

=

FAT ASS ME

soo maybe I shouldn't speak so soon. I haven't weighed in recently, I hope I'm pleased next time I check. Making pot brownies with a friend soon. Worried. munchies. Usually I'm stronger under the influence for some reason. But I still have to eat a brownie. oh, fudge.

Lovely Progress

So.. when I left off I was heavy around, 116. Then I got down to 109. 109! 109!!!! bitches!!! and it was a verryy low 109, a high 108. I was surprised because I knew I had binged a lot and didn't think purging was that effective. BUUUT then I went a little crazy for about 3 days and I soared back up to 115. (Which somehow worked perfectly because I had to get weighed at my doctors)

Long story short, after detoxing as best as possible, I hover around 400 calories a day (and then over 1000 another day :O) I am now down to 110! Not to brag but a very solid 110. I still feel chunky though. I should do abs. I didn't go running today, however my intake was below 400. I should feel happy about this, and I am kind of impressed at myself. But I dunno, I'm not happy.

It's partly because I have very little energy, I'm dizzy, and hungry very often. I get snappish. I'm not a fun person. I am a slug. Not helping, the boy and I are going to break up soon, we've talked about it. So I drag my feet while that hovers over my head. I am not a pleasant person.

God bless my friends. They still make an effort to talk to me. I wouldn't if I was them. I'm dull and crabby. I know if I eat I will feel better. But then I will also feel guilty for eating. I don't want to eat. I am sad.

Cloudy Skies..?

ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP. PUT ON A HAPPEH FACE!!!

sorry. Anyway, today was actually pretty good. Had about  500 calories today. That's a total guestimation. I rounded up for everything I ate, but I didn't portion it out. I'm an idiot.

But today feels better. I called in sick to work because I dunno. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's okay though, I had a friend cover. Toooo much drinky drink last night. 

I weighed in 116, and I only did that for the challenge.  yaay! everyone join! 

http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/

I just want to see my progress.I just don't want to look. Gaining weight sucks because you knew what it used to be. You had everything in your grasp and then decided ice cream was tasty.

Ran for 45 minutes today. BUT BUTBUT I did do some hard core abs! woohoo! motivation! I don't feel dizzy right not so I feel like I didn't do a good job not eating. Merr.

My boyfriend hasn't bothered to see me. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy basket case who enjoys not eating and sitting at home all day watching cartoons. I'm mad that he hasn't bothered even though I keep asking. I guess I deserve it for being unbalanced. I suppose I miss him even more.

Retrospect

Very tired today. But I did go for that run! Yaay me! I actually went twice, but it totaled to only about half an hour of running :( Damn I suck. I'm so huge I hate it. I wish I could peel this outer shell and let a thin girl loose. But it doesn't work that way.

Had under 300 calories today. Yaay! I wish I wasn't this big. I did abs today, but for like 7 minutes. I don't know if this is good or bad. I did them, right? I need to kick it up hardcore. But I'm so damn tired.

I miss my boyfriend. He's busy now. Heading back to school early. I only went to the beach with him twice. Why do the best years of my life suck? I'm so fucking lazy. Is it wrong that sitting around the house is exactly what I want to do everyday? No shame. I feel bad we haven't been able to party together, but at the same time I happy as a clam where I am. So fucking lazy. Shame on me.

Dizzy. Dowsy. Hopefully I can keep this up for a couple days, because if I can it starts to feel as if I'm high all the time. I like that feeling.

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

Just SCREW

Got on the scale, 111lbs. While I should be happy and lucky that I'm still loosing, I'm mad. It used to be about a pound a day. What am I doing wrong? Yes the 730 calories today was a lot, but I exercised too! I hate that the lower you get the harder it is to loose, because gaining is still just as easy! It's a double standard. Screw you metabolism. Go suck an egg. OH WAIT YOU'D GAIN WEIGHT FROM THAT TOO WOULDN'T YOU?

Pissed.

Brainy!

I'm pathetic. My whole day consists of dreaming of food, wondering what my weight is at the very moment, and judging all the other fat girls. This is what my life is now? It sounds so stupid but I'm just so obsessed with the numbers. Numbers on the scale, on my waist, hips, and thighs. It's all I think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I argue with myself all the time. I yell at myself for wanting to quit the work out, while the other half of me is so exhausted it doesn't care. It's not multiple personalities, it's the same me, just different faces. Ana is taking me over completely. Is it scary that I don't mind? She's stronger than the old me. More disciplined, more controlled.

Today I was thinking how I ought to start eating more, my sports camp is coming up which means running all day. I'm drained from going up a flight of stairs how can I survive running 6hrs a day!? So part of me says go ahead and eat more but in the meantime the other half laughs at my lack will power.

My brain knows me so well. I'm very lucky to have it. I see food like options on a menu, fully stocked cabinets, or a friend munching on a snack my body quakes and shivers. I need the food, need the energy to survive. But when I get offered my reliable brain calmly says without hesitation, "No thank you I'm not hungry." I love that my brain is smart enough to make sure I don't get fat. Thank you brainy<3

Okay so I am definitively going crazy. I stare at food and think about eating it, how yummy it would taste. In the market I drool over the candies and cookies. But when I try to eat, and put those foods up to my mouth I am repulsed. They do not belong in my body. I feel guilty. My brain does this, thanks again!

Today I weigh 111.4! I ate an apple, half a mini muffin, and a granola bar= 260 calories. I take my measurements on Tuesday. So excited! Hope I lost a few numbers.

Being thin isn't for everyone you're lucky to have the discipline, ladies :)  

Numb

Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.

Drained

so. tired.

I am out of energy. But I feel great! That means I'm doing it right! and today, I'm down to 116.4!

so. tired.

But I'm not at all, because I'm still awake and I just don't want to sleep. Planning my meals out in advance has really helped me stay in control. At night I stumble around the world wide web, research calories and plan my limit for the day. It's helped tremendously.

I promised I'd help my little sister cook for her bake sale. I love cooking, I love feeding people (maybe cause I can watch them stuff their fat faces while I sip water) However, I never want to cook anything bad which means I have to do a fair amount of taste testing. I don't mind doing it, I do it very sparingly it just scares me because I don't know how many calories are going in my already enormous body.

Yesterday, I kept my net calorie intake under 250. Today its around 300. I hate that, being higher than the other day.

I'm going out with my boyfriend sometime this week. I'm nervous. I feel so relaxed around him, it's easy to binge. I don't want to loose all this progress. My stomach is shrunken, to the point where it feels normal to eat 300 calories today, and anything around 800 feels like a binge. I don't want my stomach stretching, but I always feel so good around him I forget about my image. He's my best friend, truly.

Motivation is so hard to find. I don't want to work out. I used to do ab exercises everyday when I was taking in around 1500 calories, but I'm just so tired. I'm making excuses, I know I'm pathetic. But for some reason I just can't dig up the motivation. I look skinny but I still have the lower belly pouch. Abs is so hard, I'd rather do 30min of cardio than 10min of abs. I have no idea why, it's driving me crazy. Please encourage me, I need it.

Stay starving ladies ;)

do you seriously need to think on which you'd rather have?

Highs and Lows

Today was a pretty good day but I'm also a little mad at myself. Just kidding! I hate myself  I'm a big fat cow dripping with cellulite. My arms are like hams and my legs big fat sausages.

The day started out pretty good. Stepped on the scale 117lbs!  In addition, the night before I covered some strawberries in yogurt (Fat free of course!) and put them in the freezer. I had that with some dry cereal for breakfast. Perfect because:

Eat cold foods. Not only does eating it take longer, allowing you to savor it but your body burns calories trying to bring it back to normal temperature.

Today I ate:

1/2 cup cereal                 73

1/2 fat free yogurt            50

3 cups strawberries         145

2 tbsp salsa                     20

cucumber < 3"               1 

3 stalks celery             -15

8 sweet cherries            40

14 coup crackers          66

1/2 cup squash              16

8 pretzels                      51

snack mix                       75

Total: 522 calories

Celery is a negative calorie. a long stalk, about 7" takes about 5 calories to digest due to its cellulose. Humans, unlike cows and other grazers, lack the enzyme that easily disassembles the cellulose, costing the body more calories to break down celery!

Then I went to to do some cardio, which by the beginning I was so weak my intentions were to stop halfway through, but I kept going and finished the full forty five minute routine :) I made my own salsa (killer recipe!) and had a light lunch. After that I walked for forty five minutes as well.

But then things went bad. When I got home I told myself since no one was going to be around I wouldn't eat dinner. But then I did. I didn't purge after which I'm kind of glad for. I hate purging and only do it when necessary.

I ate dinner when I had a perfectly good reason not to. I finally had a way to cut a couple hundred calories with no one noticing and I wasted the opportunity. Poor management. Not only am I a fluborous sack of filth, I'm a complete idiot.

Tomorrow I have the same chance but hopefully I'll make the right choice. I MUST make the right choice

I won't let you down ladies

Stay skinny ;)

READY SET GO!

Starting this Blog today! I was so inspired by all you other girls out there being strong and skinny.

I read your stories late at night (due to terrible insomnia) and relate to every word you type.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

I want to be skinny, too. I need to be skinny. I must compete with all the other girls I see everyday. I must weigh less.

Today, I weigh in at 118lbs! It doesn't sound great, but from where I've started I've lost over 20lbs, it was a big accomplishment. I hate being this fat. I hate that when I get on the scale I know that it groans beneath me. I hate how I weigh 118, it makes me feel great but I look like I weigh 130. What is up with that?

I used to work out all the time, but with so much restricting I feel so tired. I don't have the energy for much. I used to have a four pack but now I'm just lazy too much pot, maybe? I feel as if I must defend my title of the fastest and strongest on my team. What if I can't do that this season because of lack of calories? Yet again, I don't care if I'm this light :)

Also, where did my period go? Will I never be able to have babies (not looking forward to it anyways) Everything is going wrong, but I feel good having dropped a few more pounds this week. I'll worry about it later I guess.

Today I Ate:

1/2 cup cheerios             50

1/4 cup grapes                  28

1/4 cup raisins                120

1/2 cup zuccini               16

1/2 cup squash                16

2 slices sweet potato     40

3 tbsp salsa                      15

2 slices bell pepper          15

1 popsicle                          40  

1 tbsp peanut butter       95

7 baby carrots                      28

1/4 corn on the cob          20

Total: 483 calories

in addition, I also ran today

21 minutes at 7mph       216

24 minutes at 6mph       188

10 minutes at 9mph          134

10 minutes at 5.2mph        80

Total: -618 calories

I'm so tired I don't want to get up and run again tomorrow. I need energy so I must eat. But then I have to run twice as hard to get rid of it. Ever feel like this?