Looking Up

Yesterday was better than Wednesday. And today even better than that. Kept it hovering around 400, per usual. I was still a little snappish, but better than before. I feel better, toned. A classmate of mine told me I looked great and skinny, and we aren't more than acquaintances. I get nervous when people tell me I look lighter, it makes me uncomfortable, like they'll figure out my secret or something. I worry a lot.

I want to go clothes shopping but I'm too worried. What if I buy things, go on a fender bender binge and then they don't fit anymore? What if my family has had enough of my avoidance and makes me gain weight and then I look like I'm bursting at the seems?

My current binges, which I haven't had since about 4 or 5 days ago, are much smaller than before. Like 1,000 calories feels like a binge to me. I feel gross and I get sad. But it makes me happy binges are on their way to being extinct :)

Family celebrations coming up soon 

=

dinners out

pot lucks

cake

barbecues

=

FAT ASS ME

soo maybe I shouldn't speak so soon. I haven't weighed in recently, I hope I'm pleased next time I check. Making pot brownies with a friend soon. Worried. munchies. Usually I'm stronger under the influence for some reason. But I still have to eat a brownie. oh, fudge.

Lovely Progress

So.. when I left off I was heavy around, 116. Then I got down to 109. 109! 109!!!! bitches!!! and it was a verryy low 109, a high 108. I was surprised because I knew I had binged a lot and didn't think purging was that effective. BUUUT then I went a little crazy for about 3 days and I soared back up to 115. (Which somehow worked perfectly because I had to get weighed at my doctors)

Long story short, after detoxing as best as possible, I hover around 400 calories a day (and then over 1000 another day :O) I am now down to 110! Not to brag but a very solid 110. I still feel chunky though. I should do abs. I didn't go running today, however my intake was below 400. I should feel happy about this, and I am kind of impressed at myself. But I dunno, I'm not happy.

It's partly because I have very little energy, I'm dizzy, and hungry very often. I get snappish. I'm not a fun person. I am a slug. Not helping, the boy and I are going to break up soon, we've talked about it. So I drag my feet while that hovers over my head. I am not a pleasant person.

God bless my friends. They still make an effort to talk to me. I wouldn't if I was them. I'm dull and crabby. I know if I eat I will feel better. But then I will also feel guilty for eating. I don't want to eat. I am sad.

Cloudy Skies..?

ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP. PUT ON A HAPPEH FACE!!!

sorry. Anyway, today was actually pretty good. Had about  500 calories today. That's a total guestimation. I rounded up for everything I ate, but I didn't portion it out. I'm an idiot.

But today feels better. I called in sick to work because I dunno. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's okay though, I had a friend cover. Toooo much drinky drink last night. 

I weighed in 116, and I only did that for the challenge.  yaay! everyone join! 

http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/

I just want to see my progress.I just don't want to look. Gaining weight sucks because you knew what it used to be. You had everything in your grasp and then decided ice cream was tasty.

Ran for 45 minutes today. BUT BUTBUT I did do some hard core abs! woohoo! motivation! I don't feel dizzy right not so I feel like I didn't do a good job not eating. Merr.

My boyfriend hasn't bothered to see me. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy basket case who enjoys not eating and sitting at home all day watching cartoons. I'm mad that he hasn't bothered even though I keep asking. I guess I deserve it for being unbalanced. I suppose I miss him even more.

Retrospect

Very tired today. But I did go for that run! Yaay me! I actually went twice, but it totaled to only about half an hour of running :( Damn I suck. I'm so huge I hate it. I wish I could peel this outer shell and let a thin girl loose. But it doesn't work that way.

Had under 300 calories today. Yaay! I wish I wasn't this big. I did abs today, but for like 7 minutes. I don't know if this is good or bad. I did them, right? I need to kick it up hardcore. But I'm so damn tired.

I miss my boyfriend. He's busy now. Heading back to school early. I only went to the beach with him twice. Why do the best years of my life suck? I'm so fucking lazy. Is it wrong that sitting around the house is exactly what I want to do everyday? No shame. I feel bad we haven't been able to party together, but at the same time I happy as a clam where I am. So fucking lazy. Shame on me.

Dizzy. Dowsy. Hopefully I can keep this up for a couple days, because if I can it starts to feel as if I'm high all the time. I like that feeling.

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!

YAHOOO!!

I've been going swimming the past couple days at the community pool with a few friends. It's done wonders! I'm at 111.8lbs! go me! Almost back down to where I started before my huge crash and burn. I had about 1,000 calories today. I restricted too much in the morning, and when dinner rolled around I went a little crazy. I have to learn how to balance

I feel like I don;t look like the old 111lbs though. My stomach is flabby, it makes me angry. I understand I need to tone the muscles and I atleast half try, doing abs about 3x a week or more. It worries me where else the pounds are coming off. I don't want to loose muscle mass. GRRRRR

Leaving for camp in 2 days. Sooooooooo excited.

And another piece of good news! My ana friend said a teammate asked her if I had an ED. Which doesn't sound like good news, but it means she's noticed I've lost weight. Is that a bad thing to be excited about? My family is getting more suspicious. But I hate chewing and spitting! I still feel like I'm eating :( I'm always sure to be eating in front of them. I'm not sure what else I can do.

But anyways, some pretty thinspo:) Good luck girls! We can do it

Just SCREW

Got on the scale, 111lbs. While I should be happy and lucky that I'm still loosing, I'm mad. It used to be about a pound a day. What am I doing wrong? Yes the 730 calories today was a lot, but I exercised too! I hate that the lower you get the harder it is to loose, because gaining is still just as easy! It's a double standard. Screw you metabolism. Go suck an egg. OH WAIT YOU'D GAIN WEIGHT FROM THAT TOO WOULDN'T YOU?

Pissed.

Stupid Moderation

So this morning I tried to get my calorie count up to something a little more healthy, around 500 calories so I could have some energy for the day. Instead, I kind of went on a binge. But it was only around 730 calories. Is that a binge or am I just whining? I'm pissed at myself. I didn't need that many calories. I didn't purge either because I was late to work. 

I feel kind of better though, not as sluggish as before. But still 730 calories is a lot. Got on the scale after, and it showed I gained a complete pound. VERY MAD. I don't think it's all that accurate though, I drank 32 oz of water a few minutes before so perhaps it's off by some number :) Or I'm kidding my self like a fool. sounds more likely to me. 

Not eating for the rest of the day. May post again, just to record my official weight.

Brainy!

I'm pathetic. My whole day consists of dreaming of food, wondering what my weight is at the very moment, and judging all the other fat girls. This is what my life is now? It sounds so stupid but I'm just so obsessed with the numbers. Numbers on the scale, on my waist, hips, and thighs. It's all I think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I argue with myself all the time. I yell at myself for wanting to quit the work out, while the other half of me is so exhausted it doesn't care. It's not multiple personalities, it's the same me, just different faces. Ana is taking me over completely. Is it scary that I don't mind? She's stronger than the old me. More disciplined, more controlled.

Today I was thinking how I ought to start eating more, my sports camp is coming up which means running all day. I'm drained from going up a flight of stairs how can I survive running 6hrs a day!? So part of me says go ahead and eat more but in the meantime the other half laughs at my lack will power.

My brain knows me so well. I'm very lucky to have it. I see food like options on a menu, fully stocked cabinets, or a friend munching on a snack my body quakes and shivers. I need the food, need the energy to survive. But when I get offered my reliable brain calmly says without hesitation, "No thank you I'm not hungry." I love that my brain is smart enough to make sure I don't get fat. Thank you brainy<3

Okay so I am definitively going crazy. I stare at food and think about eating it, how yummy it would taste. In the market I drool over the candies and cookies. But when I try to eat, and put those foods up to my mouth I am repulsed. They do not belong in my body. I feel guilty. My brain does this, thanks again!

Today I weigh 111.4! I ate an apple, half a mini muffin, and a granola bar= 260 calories. I take my measurements on Tuesday. So excited! Hope I lost a few numbers.

Being thin isn't for everyone you're lucky to have the discipline, ladies :)  

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Back On Track

Today was a lazy day. I slept in and bummed around the house for majority of the day. I went for a walk and then went to work. Not extremely calorie burning, but not sleeping so I guess that's better than nothing.

I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 116.6! However, at the end of the day I weighed 117.2 :( I know it's not that bad of a difference but it still bugged me. I ate 230 calories in the form of cereal, grapes, mini muffins, Popsicles, and cucumbers. I'm getting addicted to low numbers again. What's stopping me from a caloric intake of double digits? I snack throughout the day and take a long time eating. But when I know I can't afford anymore calories I drink tea. I drink tea like nobody's business.

My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. I feel comfortable with him so I eat. But when I don't eat he gets suspicious. Not sure what to do. I'll try by best to restrict, I want to get down to 112 soon.

I have a food scale and really want to start using it to weigh in food. However, I don't want to create suspicion. Maybe I'll weigh everything when no one is around and prepackage! I'm a genius.

Keep drinking the tea, ladies!

Stay strong, stay skinny

Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing

Drained

so. tired.

I am out of energy. But I feel great! That means I'm doing it right! and today, I'm down to 116.4!

so. tired.

But I'm not at all, because I'm still awake and I just don't want to sleep. Planning my meals out in advance has really helped me stay in control. At night I stumble around the world wide web, research calories and plan my limit for the day. It's helped tremendously.

I promised I'd help my little sister cook for her bake sale. I love cooking, I love feeding people (maybe cause I can watch them stuff their fat faces while I sip water) However, I never want to cook anything bad which means I have to do a fair amount of taste testing. I don't mind doing it, I do it very sparingly it just scares me because I don't know how many calories are going in my already enormous body.

Yesterday, I kept my net calorie intake under 250. Today its around 300. I hate that, being higher than the other day.

I'm going out with my boyfriend sometime this week. I'm nervous. I feel so relaxed around him, it's easy to binge. I don't want to loose all this progress. My stomach is shrunken, to the point where it feels normal to eat 300 calories today, and anything around 800 feels like a binge. I don't want my stomach stretching, but I always feel so good around him I forget about my image. He's my best friend, truly.

Motivation is so hard to find. I don't want to work out. I used to do ab exercises everyday when I was taking in around 1500 calories, but I'm just so tired. I'm making excuses, I know I'm pathetic. But for some reason I just can't dig up the motivation. I look skinny but I still have the lower belly pouch. Abs is so hard, I'd rather do 30min of cardio than 10min of abs. I have no idea why, it's driving me crazy. Please encourage me, I need it.

Stay starving ladies ;)

do you seriously need to think on which you'd rather have?