Looking Up

Yesterday was better than Wednesday. And today even better than that. Kept it hovering around 400, per usual. I was still a little snappish, but better than before. I feel better, toned. A classmate of mine told me I looked great and skinny, and we aren't more than acquaintances. I get nervous when people tell me I look lighter, it makes me uncomfortable, like they'll figure out my secret or something. I worry a lot.

I want to go clothes shopping but I'm too worried. What if I buy things, go on a fender bender binge and then they don't fit anymore? What if my family has had enough of my avoidance and makes me gain weight and then I look like I'm bursting at the seems?

My current binges, which I haven't had since about 4 or 5 days ago, are much smaller than before. Like 1,000 calories feels like a binge to me. I feel gross and I get sad. But it makes me happy binges are on their way to being extinct :)

Family celebrations coming up soon 

=

dinners out

pot lucks

cake

barbecues

=

FAT ASS ME

soo maybe I shouldn't speak so soon. I haven't weighed in recently, I hope I'm pleased next time I check. Making pot brownies with a friend soon. Worried. munchies. Usually I'm stronger under the influence for some reason. But I still have to eat a brownie. oh, fudge.

Lovely Progress

So.. when I left off I was heavy around, 116. Then I got down to 109. 109! 109!!!! bitches!!! and it was a verryy low 109, a high 108. I was surprised because I knew I had binged a lot and didn't think purging was that effective. BUUUT then I went a little crazy for about 3 days and I soared back up to 115. (Which somehow worked perfectly because I had to get weighed at my doctors)

Long story short, after detoxing as best as possible, I hover around 400 calories a day (and then over 1000 another day :O) I am now down to 110! Not to brag but a very solid 110. I still feel chunky though. I should do abs. I didn't go running today, however my intake was below 400. I should feel happy about this, and I am kind of impressed at myself. But I dunno, I'm not happy.

It's partly because I have very little energy, I'm dizzy, and hungry very often. I get snappish. I'm not a fun person. I am a slug. Not helping, the boy and I are going to break up soon, we've talked about it. So I drag my feet while that hovers over my head. I am not a pleasant person.

God bless my friends. They still make an effort to talk to me. I wouldn't if I was them. I'm dull and crabby. I know if I eat I will feel better. But then I will also feel guilty for eating. I don't want to eat. I am sad.

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!

Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.

Drained

so. tired.

I am out of energy. But I feel great! That means I'm doing it right! and today, I'm down to 116.4!

so. tired.

But I'm not at all, because I'm still awake and I just don't want to sleep. Planning my meals out in advance has really helped me stay in control. At night I stumble around the world wide web, research calories and plan my limit for the day. It's helped tremendously.

I promised I'd help my little sister cook for her bake sale. I love cooking, I love feeding people (maybe cause I can watch them stuff their fat faces while I sip water) However, I never want to cook anything bad which means I have to do a fair amount of taste testing. I don't mind doing it, I do it very sparingly it just scares me because I don't know how many calories are going in my already enormous body.

Yesterday, I kept my net calorie intake under 250. Today its around 300. I hate that, being higher than the other day.

I'm going out with my boyfriend sometime this week. I'm nervous. I feel so relaxed around him, it's easy to binge. I don't want to loose all this progress. My stomach is shrunken, to the point where it feels normal to eat 300 calories today, and anything around 800 feels like a binge. I don't want my stomach stretching, but I always feel so good around him I forget about my image. He's my best friend, truly.

Motivation is so hard to find. I don't want to work out. I used to do ab exercises everyday when I was taking in around 1500 calories, but I'm just so tired. I'm making excuses, I know I'm pathetic. But for some reason I just can't dig up the motivation. I look skinny but I still have the lower belly pouch. Abs is so hard, I'd rather do 30min of cardio than 10min of abs. I have no idea why, it's driving me crazy. Please encourage me, I need it.

Stay starving ladies ;)

do you seriously need to think on which you'd rather have?

Highs and Lows

Today was a pretty good day but I'm also a little mad at myself. Just kidding! I hate myself  I'm a big fat cow dripping with cellulite. My arms are like hams and my legs big fat sausages.

The day started out pretty good. Stepped on the scale 117lbs!  In addition, the night before I covered some strawberries in yogurt (Fat free of course!) and put them in the freezer. I had that with some dry cereal for breakfast. Perfect because:

Eat cold foods. Not only does eating it take longer, allowing you to savor it but your body burns calories trying to bring it back to normal temperature.

Today I ate:

1/2 cup cereal                 73

1/2 fat free yogurt            50

3 cups strawberries         145

2 tbsp salsa                     20

cucumber < 3"               1 

3 stalks celery             -15

8 sweet cherries            40

14 coup crackers          66

1/2 cup squash              16

8 pretzels                      51

snack mix                       75

Total: 522 calories

Celery is a negative calorie. a long stalk, about 7" takes about 5 calories to digest due to its cellulose. Humans, unlike cows and other grazers, lack the enzyme that easily disassembles the cellulose, costing the body more calories to break down celery!

Then I went to to do some cardio, which by the beginning I was so weak my intentions were to stop halfway through, but I kept going and finished the full forty five minute routine :) I made my own salsa (killer recipe!) and had a light lunch. After that I walked for forty five minutes as well.

But then things went bad. When I got home I told myself since no one was going to be around I wouldn't eat dinner. But then I did. I didn't purge after which I'm kind of glad for. I hate purging and only do it when necessary.

I ate dinner when I had a perfectly good reason not to. I finally had a way to cut a couple hundred calories with no one noticing and I wasted the opportunity. Poor management. Not only am I a fluborous sack of filth, I'm a complete idiot.

Tomorrow I have the same chance but hopefully I'll make the right choice. I MUST make the right choice

I won't let you down ladies

Stay skinny ;)

READY SET GO!

Starting this Blog today! I was so inspired by all you other girls out there being strong and skinny.

I read your stories late at night (due to terrible insomnia) and relate to every word you type.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

I want to be skinny, too. I need to be skinny. I must compete with all the other girls I see everyday. I must weigh less.

Today, I weigh in at 118lbs! It doesn't sound great, but from where I've started I've lost over 20lbs, it was a big accomplishment. I hate being this fat. I hate that when I get on the scale I know that it groans beneath me. I hate how I weigh 118, it makes me feel great but I look like I weigh 130. What is up with that?

I used to work out all the time, but with so much restricting I feel so tired. I don't have the energy for much. I used to have a four pack but now I'm just lazy too much pot, maybe? I feel as if I must defend my title of the fastest and strongest on my team. What if I can't do that this season because of lack of calories? Yet again, I don't care if I'm this light :)

Also, where did my period go? Will I never be able to have babies (not looking forward to it anyways) Everything is going wrong, but I feel good having dropped a few more pounds this week. I'll worry about it later I guess.

Today I Ate:

1/2 cup cheerios             50

1/4 cup grapes                  28

1/4 cup raisins                120

1/2 cup zuccini               16

1/2 cup squash                16

2 slices sweet potato     40

3 tbsp salsa                      15

2 slices bell pepper          15

1 popsicle                          40  

1 tbsp peanut butter       95

7 baby carrots                      28

1/4 corn on the cob          20

Total: 483 calories

in addition, I also ran today

21 minutes at 7mph       216

24 minutes at 6mph       188

10 minutes at 9mph          134

10 minutes at 5.2mph        80

Total: -618 calories

I'm so tired I don't want to get up and run again tomorrow. I need energy so I must eat. But then I have to run twice as hard to get rid of it. Ever feel like this?