To Friends and Fun

I feel pretty good right now :) New weight at 107.6!! wooo! I feel pretty good, too. Not a lot of dizziness, but I'll be honest  I kinda miss that. Ran about 3.5 miles today so my muscles feel worn in a satisfying way.

However, I did go out to eat for dinner. And I feel like I knew I was going to overeat, and that fact had me over eating, of course. Starchy carb foods I vacuumed up. I didn't clean the plate though which made me feel a little better. I promptly spilled my guts out in the bathroom after consuming. And again when I got home, naturally to make sure it was all out.

Promised I'd meet a friend for dinner again tomorrow. I' nervous. Because if I don't eat a lot during the day, I'll eat the entire dish. But if I do eat during the day, I have those calories plus dinner. I feel as if I won't binge as hard as I did today. I hope not. Plus I have to battle munchies after dinner. OH dear.

After dinner today I went to a friend's party. It was really fun actually. My boyfriend tried to dissuade me from going, but a close guy friend convinced me to show. I'm really glad I did too. Boyfriend still doesn't really wanna hang out with me. We're nearing the end. I don't mind breaking up, I mind people sticking their noses in our business more. Because they aren't many hard feelings, and I don't want people twisting it into that.

But despite the binge, I still lost a little today and I feel skinny. I like it:) I feel pretty confident and I'm hoping it won't turn around and bite me in the ass tomorrow. REALLY hope it doesn't...

Lovely Progress

So.. when I left off I was heavy around, 116. Then I got down to 109. 109! 109!!!! bitches!!! and it was a verryy low 109, a high 108. I was surprised because I knew I had binged a lot and didn't think purging was that effective. BUUUT then I went a little crazy for about 3 days and I soared back up to 115. (Which somehow worked perfectly because I had to get weighed at my doctors)

Long story short, after detoxing as best as possible, I hover around 400 calories a day (and then over 1000 another day :O) I am now down to 110! Not to brag but a very solid 110. I still feel chunky though. I should do abs. I didn't go running today, however my intake was below 400. I should feel happy about this, and I am kind of impressed at myself. But I dunno, I'm not happy.

It's partly because I have very little energy, I'm dizzy, and hungry very often. I get snappish. I'm not a fun person. I am a slug. Not helping, the boy and I are going to break up soon, we've talked about it. So I drag my feet while that hovers over my head. I am not a pleasant person.

God bless my friends. They still make an effort to talk to me. I wouldn't if I was them. I'm dull and crabby. I know if I eat I will feel better. But then I will also feel guilty for eating. I don't want to eat. I am sad.

Cloudy Skies..?

ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP. PUT ON A HAPPEH FACE!!!

sorry. Anyway, today was actually pretty good. Had about  500 calories today. That's a total guestimation. I rounded up for everything I ate, but I didn't portion it out. I'm an idiot.

But today feels better. I called in sick to work because I dunno. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's okay though, I had a friend cover. Toooo much drinky drink last night. 

I weighed in 116, and I only did that for the challenge.  yaay! everyone join! 

http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/

I just want to see my progress.I just don't want to look. Gaining weight sucks because you knew what it used to be. You had everything in your grasp and then decided ice cream was tasty.

Ran for 45 minutes today. BUT BUTBUT I did do some hard core abs! woohoo! motivation! I don't feel dizzy right not so I feel like I didn't do a good job not eating. Merr.

My boyfriend hasn't bothered to see me. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy basket case who enjoys not eating and sitting at home all day watching cartoons. I'm mad that he hasn't bothered even though I keep asking. I guess I deserve it for being unbalanced. I suppose I miss him even more.

Retrospect

Very tired today. But I did go for that run! Yaay me! I actually went twice, but it totaled to only about half an hour of running :( Damn I suck. I'm so huge I hate it. I wish I could peel this outer shell and let a thin girl loose. But it doesn't work that way.

Had under 300 calories today. Yaay! I wish I wasn't this big. I did abs today, but for like 7 minutes. I don't know if this is good or bad. I did them, right? I need to kick it up hardcore. But I'm so damn tired.

I miss my boyfriend. He's busy now. Heading back to school early. I only went to the beach with him twice. Why do the best years of my life suck? I'm so fucking lazy. Is it wrong that sitting around the house is exactly what I want to do everyday? No shame. I feel bad we haven't been able to party together, but at the same time I happy as a clam where I am. So fucking lazy. Shame on me.

Dizzy. Dowsy. Hopefully I can keep this up for a couple days, because if I can it starts to feel as if I'm high all the time. I like that feeling.

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Today was...better. I fell like it was better, because I didn't go all out crazy with ice cream and shit like that. But I did eat way too much. I woke up and was so hungry. It was too much. I ate that and then went to work. After that  I came home, went for a run and then walked the dog. I'm chewing gum as my dinner.

I'm at 115lbs. So excited to go away for a little while. I feel more in control again. I feel good, but I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve to feel good or hungry. I'm not skinny. Why be anorexic if I'm not skinny. I ate today and that's a crime in itself. I don't deserve these feelings.

What I ate..was a lot. English muffin(120) egg whites (35) cheese (75) cereal (100) milk (60) peanut butter (120) 2 cookies (200) and some chicken (70) which rounds to about 780 calories. I don't deserve to be skinny. 

On the bright side, I wanted to post some famous thinspo to keep me motivated. Hopefully it helps you ladies too ;)

Emma Watson, she is literally on the verge of being under weight but I think she looks literally amazing. I wish  I was a tenth of as pretty as she is.

Emma Stone I liked as a red head best.

I love Kirsten Bell because she is shorter like me :)

Alyson Hannigan is short too!

There are a bunch more celebs I admire, but this is all I'm posting for this one. More to come!

Just SCREW

Got on the scale, 111lbs. While I should be happy and lucky that I'm still loosing, I'm mad. It used to be about a pound a day. What am I doing wrong? Yes the 730 calories today was a lot, but I exercised too! I hate that the lower you get the harder it is to loose, because gaining is still just as easy! It's a double standard. Screw you metabolism. Go suck an egg. OH WAIT YOU'D GAIN WEIGHT FROM THAT TOO WOULDN'T YOU?

Pissed.

Brainy!

I'm pathetic. My whole day consists of dreaming of food, wondering what my weight is at the very moment, and judging all the other fat girls. This is what my life is now? It sounds so stupid but I'm just so obsessed with the numbers. Numbers on the scale, on my waist, hips, and thighs. It's all I think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I argue with myself all the time. I yell at myself for wanting to quit the work out, while the other half of me is so exhausted it doesn't care. It's not multiple personalities, it's the same me, just different faces. Ana is taking me over completely. Is it scary that I don't mind? She's stronger than the old me. More disciplined, more controlled.

Today I was thinking how I ought to start eating more, my sports camp is coming up which means running all day. I'm drained from going up a flight of stairs how can I survive running 6hrs a day!? So part of me says go ahead and eat more but in the meantime the other half laughs at my lack will power.

My brain knows me so well. I'm very lucky to have it. I see food like options on a menu, fully stocked cabinets, or a friend munching on a snack my body quakes and shivers. I need the food, need the energy to survive. But when I get offered my reliable brain calmly says without hesitation, "No thank you I'm not hungry." I love that my brain is smart enough to make sure I don't get fat. Thank you brainy<3

Okay so I am definitively going crazy. I stare at food and think about eating it, how yummy it would taste. In the market I drool over the candies and cookies. But when I try to eat, and put those foods up to my mouth I am repulsed. They do not belong in my body. I feel guilty. My brain does this, thanks again!

Today I weigh 111.4! I ate an apple, half a mini muffin, and a granola bar= 260 calories. I take my measurements on Tuesday. So excited! Hope I lost a few numbers.

Being thin isn't for everyone you're lucky to have the discipline, ladies :)  

Numb

Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too