To Friends and Fun

I feel pretty good right now :) New weight at 107.6!! wooo! I feel pretty good, too. Not a lot of dizziness, but I'll be honest  I kinda miss that. Ran about 3.5 miles today so my muscles feel worn in a satisfying way.

However, I did go out to eat for dinner. And I feel like I knew I was going to overeat, and that fact had me over eating, of course. Starchy carb foods I vacuumed up. I didn't clean the plate though which made me feel a little better. I promptly spilled my guts out in the bathroom after consuming. And again when I got home, naturally to make sure it was all out.

Promised I'd meet a friend for dinner again tomorrow. I' nervous. Because if I don't eat a lot during the day, I'll eat the entire dish. But if I do eat during the day, I have those calories plus dinner. I feel as if I won't binge as hard as I did today. I hope not. Plus I have to battle munchies after dinner. OH dear.

After dinner today I went to a friend's party. It was really fun actually. My boyfriend tried to dissuade me from going, but a close guy friend convinced me to show. I'm really glad I did too. Boyfriend still doesn't really wanna hang out with me. We're nearing the end. I don't mind breaking up, I mind people sticking their noses in our business more. Because they aren't many hard feelings, and I don't want people twisting it into that.

But despite the binge, I still lost a little today and I feel skinny. I like it:) I feel pretty confident and I'm hoping it won't turn around and bite me in the ass tomorrow. REALLY hope it doesn't...

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Today was...better. I fell like it was better, because I didn't go all out crazy with ice cream and shit like that. But I did eat way too much. I woke up and was so hungry. It was too much. I ate that and then went to work. After that  I came home, went for a run and then walked the dog. I'm chewing gum as my dinner.

I'm at 115lbs. So excited to go away for a little while. I feel more in control again. I feel good, but I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve to feel good or hungry. I'm not skinny. Why be anorexic if I'm not skinny. I ate today and that's a crime in itself. I don't deserve these feelings.

What I ate..was a lot. English muffin(120) egg whites (35) cheese (75) cereal (100) milk (60) peanut butter (120) 2 cookies (200) and some chicken (70) which rounds to about 780 calories. I don't deserve to be skinny. 

On the bright side, I wanted to post some famous thinspo to keep me motivated. Hopefully it helps you ladies too ;)

Emma Watson, she is literally on the verge of being under weight but I think she looks literally amazing. I wish  I was a tenth of as pretty as she is.

Emma Stone I liked as a red head best.

I love Kirsten Bell because she is shorter like me :)

Alyson Hannigan is short too!

There are a bunch more celebs I admire, but this is all I'm posting for this one. More to come!

Stupid Moderation

So this morning I tried to get my calorie count up to something a little more healthy, around 500 calories so I could have some energy for the day. Instead, I kind of went on a binge. But it was only around 730 calories. Is that a binge or am I just whining? I'm pissed at myself. I didn't need that many calories. I didn't purge either because I was late to work. 

I feel kind of better though, not as sluggish as before. But still 730 calories is a lot. Got on the scale after, and it showed I gained a complete pound. VERY MAD. I don't think it's all that accurate though, I drank 32 oz of water a few minutes before so perhaps it's off by some number :) Or I'm kidding my self like a fool. sounds more likely to me. 

Not eating for the rest of the day. May post again, just to record my official weight.

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.