Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!

Stupid Moderation

So this morning I tried to get my calorie count up to something a little more healthy, around 500 calories so I could have some energy for the day. Instead, I kind of went on a binge. But it was only around 730 calories. Is that a binge or am I just whining? I'm pissed at myself. I didn't need that many calories. I didn't purge either because I was late to work. 

I feel kind of better though, not as sluggish as before. But still 730 calories is a lot. Got on the scale after, and it showed I gained a complete pound. VERY MAD. I don't think it's all that accurate though, I drank 32 oz of water a few minutes before so perhaps it's off by some number :) Or I'm kidding my self like a fool. sounds more likely to me. 

Not eating for the rest of the day. May post again, just to record my official weight.

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.