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Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too