Cloudy Skies..?

ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP. PUT ON A HAPPEH FACE!!!

sorry. Anyway, today was actually pretty good. Had about  500 calories today. That's a total guestimation. I rounded up for everything I ate, but I didn't portion it out. I'm an idiot.

But today feels better. I called in sick to work because I dunno. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's okay though, I had a friend cover. Toooo much drinky drink last night. 

I weighed in 116, and I only did that for the challenge.  yaay! everyone join! 

http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/

I just want to see my progress.I just don't want to look. Gaining weight sucks because you knew what it used to be. You had everything in your grasp and then decided ice cream was tasty.

Ran for 45 minutes today. BUT BUTBUT I did do some hard core abs! woohoo! motivation! I don't feel dizzy right not so I feel like I didn't do a good job not eating. Merr.

My boyfriend hasn't bothered to see me. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy basket case who enjoys not eating and sitting at home all day watching cartoons. I'm mad that he hasn't bothered even though I keep asking. I guess I deserve it for being unbalanced. I suppose I miss him even more.

Retrospect

Very tired today. But I did go for that run! Yaay me! I actually went twice, but it totaled to only about half an hour of running :( Damn I suck. I'm so huge I hate it. I wish I could peel this outer shell and let a thin girl loose. But it doesn't work that way.

Had under 300 calories today. Yaay! I wish I wasn't this big. I did abs today, but for like 7 minutes. I don't know if this is good or bad. I did them, right? I need to kick it up hardcore. But I'm so damn tired.

I miss my boyfriend. He's busy now. Heading back to school early. I only went to the beach with him twice. Why do the best years of my life suck? I'm so fucking lazy. Is it wrong that sitting around the house is exactly what I want to do everyday? No shame. I feel bad we haven't been able to party together, but at the same time I happy as a clam where I am. So fucking lazy. Shame on me.

Dizzy. Dowsy. Hopefully I can keep this up for a couple days, because if I can it starts to feel as if I'm high all the time. I like that feeling.

Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!

YAHOOO!!

I've been going swimming the past couple days at the community pool with a few friends. It's done wonders! I'm at 111.8lbs! go me! Almost back down to where I started before my huge crash and burn. I had about 1,000 calories today. I restricted too much in the morning, and when dinner rolled around I went a little crazy. I have to learn how to balance

I feel like I don;t look like the old 111lbs though. My stomach is flabby, it makes me angry. I understand I need to tone the muscles and I atleast half try, doing abs about 3x a week or more. It worries me where else the pounds are coming off. I don't want to loose muscle mass. GRRRRR

Leaving for camp in 2 days. Sooooooooo excited.

And another piece of good news! My ana friend said a teammate asked her if I had an ED. Which doesn't sound like good news, but it means she's noticed I've lost weight. Is that a bad thing to be excited about? My family is getting more suspicious. But I hate chewing and spitting! I still feel like I'm eating :( I'm always sure to be eating in front of them. I'm not sure what else I can do.

But anyways, some pretty thinspo:) Good luck girls! We can do it

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Today was...better. I fell like it was better, because I didn't go all out crazy with ice cream and shit like that. But I did eat way too much. I woke up and was so hungry. It was too much. I ate that and then went to work. After that  I came home, went for a run and then walked the dog. I'm chewing gum as my dinner.

I'm at 115lbs. So excited to go away for a little while. I feel more in control again. I feel good, but I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve to feel good or hungry. I'm not skinny. Why be anorexic if I'm not skinny. I ate today and that's a crime in itself. I don't deserve these feelings.

What I ate..was a lot. English muffin(120) egg whites (35) cheese (75) cereal (100) milk (60) peanut butter (120) 2 cookies (200) and some chicken (70) which rounds to about 780 calories. I don't deserve to be skinny. 

On the bright side, I wanted to post some famous thinspo to keep me motivated. Hopefully it helps you ladies too ;)

Emma Watson, she is literally on the verge of being under weight but I think she looks literally amazing. I wish  I was a tenth of as pretty as she is.

Emma Stone I liked as a red head best.

I love Kirsten Bell because she is shorter like me :)

Alyson Hannigan is short too!

There are a bunch more celebs I admire, but this is all I'm posting for this one. More to come!

Brainy!

I'm pathetic. My whole day consists of dreaming of food, wondering what my weight is at the very moment, and judging all the other fat girls. This is what my life is now? It sounds so stupid but I'm just so obsessed with the numbers. Numbers on the scale, on my waist, hips, and thighs. It's all I think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. I argue with myself all the time. I yell at myself for wanting to quit the work out, while the other half of me is so exhausted it doesn't care. It's not multiple personalities, it's the same me, just different faces. Ana is taking me over completely. Is it scary that I don't mind? She's stronger than the old me. More disciplined, more controlled.

Today I was thinking how I ought to start eating more, my sports camp is coming up which means running all day. I'm drained from going up a flight of stairs how can I survive running 6hrs a day!? So part of me says go ahead and eat more but in the meantime the other half laughs at my lack will power.

My brain knows me so well. I'm very lucky to have it. I see food like options on a menu, fully stocked cabinets, or a friend munching on a snack my body quakes and shivers. I need the food, need the energy to survive. But when I get offered my reliable brain calmly says without hesitation, "No thank you I'm not hungry." I love that my brain is smart enough to make sure I don't get fat. Thank you brainy<3

Okay so I am definitively going crazy. I stare at food and think about eating it, how yummy it would taste. In the market I drool over the candies and cookies. But when I try to eat, and put those foods up to my mouth I am repulsed. They do not belong in my body. I feel guilty. My brain does this, thanks again!

Today I weigh 111.4! I ate an apple, half a mini muffin, and a granola bar= 260 calories. I take my measurements on Tuesday. So excited! Hope I lost a few numbers.

Being thin isn't for everyone you're lucky to have the discipline, ladies :)