To Friends and Fun

I feel pretty good right now :) New weight at 107.6!! wooo! I feel pretty good, too. Not a lot of dizziness, but I'll be honest  I kinda miss that. Ran about 3.5 miles today so my muscles feel worn in a satisfying way.

However, I did go out to eat for dinner. And I feel like I knew I was going to overeat, and that fact had me over eating, of course. Starchy carb foods I vacuumed up. I didn't clean the plate though which made me feel a little better. I promptly spilled my guts out in the bathroom after consuming. And again when I got home, naturally to make sure it was all out.

Promised I'd meet a friend for dinner again tomorrow. I' nervous. Because if I don't eat a lot during the day, I'll eat the entire dish. But if I do eat during the day, I have those calories plus dinner. I feel as if I won't binge as hard as I did today. I hope not. Plus I have to battle munchies after dinner. OH dear.

After dinner today I went to a friend's party. It was really fun actually. My boyfriend tried to dissuade me from going, but a close guy friend convinced me to show. I'm really glad I did too. Boyfriend still doesn't really wanna hang out with me. We're nearing the end. I don't mind breaking up, I mind people sticking their noses in our business more. Because they aren't many hard feelings, and I don't want people twisting it into that.

But despite the binge, I still lost a little today and I feel skinny. I like it:) I feel pretty confident and I'm hoping it won't turn around and bite me in the ass tomorrow. REALLY hope it doesn't...

Cloudy Skies..?

ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP. PUT ON A HAPPEH FACE!!!

sorry. Anyway, today was actually pretty good. Had about  500 calories today. That's a total guestimation. I rounded up for everything I ate, but I didn't portion it out. I'm an idiot.

But today feels better. I called in sick to work because I dunno. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's okay though, I had a friend cover. Toooo much drinky drink last night. 

I weighed in 116, and I only did that for the challenge.  yaay! everyone join! 

http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/

I just want to see my progress.I just don't want to look. Gaining weight sucks because you knew what it used to be. You had everything in your grasp and then decided ice cream was tasty.

Ran for 45 minutes today. BUT BUTBUT I did do some hard core abs! woohoo! motivation! I don't feel dizzy right not so I feel like I didn't do a good job not eating. Merr.

My boyfriend hasn't bothered to see me. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy basket case who enjoys not eating and sitting at home all day watching cartoons. I'm mad that he hasn't bothered even though I keep asking. I guess I deserve it for being unbalanced. I suppose I miss him even more.

Retrospect

Very tired today. But I did go for that run! Yaay me! I actually went twice, but it totaled to only about half an hour of running :( Damn I suck. I'm so huge I hate it. I wish I could peel this outer shell and let a thin girl loose. But it doesn't work that way.

Had under 300 calories today. Yaay! I wish I wasn't this big. I did abs today, but for like 7 minutes. I don't know if this is good or bad. I did them, right? I need to kick it up hardcore. But I'm so damn tired.

I miss my boyfriend. He's busy now. Heading back to school early. I only went to the beach with him twice. Why do the best years of my life suck? I'm so fucking lazy. Is it wrong that sitting around the house is exactly what I want to do everyday? No shame. I feel bad we haven't been able to party together, but at the same time I happy as a clam where I am. So fucking lazy. Shame on me.

Dizzy. Dowsy. Hopefully I can keep this up for a couple days, because if I can it starts to feel as if I'm high all the time. I like that feeling.

I Suck

That's it. I suck. I'm a motha fucking sucky girl. I can't even be anorexic. Everyone laughs if they hear a fat girl is anorexic. By that, everyone laughs at me. I eat. A lot. I don't know what it is about this week but it's been crash and buuuurrn.

Weight? I'd rather not talk about it.

Fuck. I suck. Lots.

My motivation is wavering. I'm tired because of the lower number of calories but I need to burn more. I'm too lazy to work out more. I should go for a run tomorrow, hopefully it isn't too scorching due to a recent heat wave. I have other ways to work out, like cardio tapes. Why don't I do them? Probably because I suck, that's why. However, I have been doing abs everyday again. My new rule is i must do them 5x a week at least.

Leaving to go on vacation with the family in a few. Nervous. Must stay strong. 16 days until school starts. 16lbs in 16 days? Sounds impossible. I think I should try though. 

I suck. Let's look at pretty thin girls and get lost, so maybe I can pretend I am one of them

YAHOOO!!

I've been going swimming the past couple days at the community pool with a few friends. It's done wonders! I'm at 111.8lbs! go me! Almost back down to where I started before my huge crash and burn. I had about 1,000 calories today. I restricted too much in the morning, and when dinner rolled around I went a little crazy. I have to learn how to balance

I feel like I don;t look like the old 111lbs though. My stomach is flabby, it makes me angry. I understand I need to tone the muscles and I atleast half try, doing abs about 3x a week or more. It worries me where else the pounds are coming off. I don't want to loose muscle mass. GRRRRR

Leaving for camp in 2 days. Sooooooooo excited.

And another piece of good news! My ana friend said a teammate asked her if I had an ED. Which doesn't sound like good news, but it means she's noticed I've lost weight. Is that a bad thing to be excited about? My family is getting more suspicious. But I hate chewing and spitting! I still feel like I'm eating :( I'm always sure to be eating in front of them. I'm not sure what else I can do.

But anyways, some pretty thinspo:) Good luck girls! We can do it

Yes? No? Maybe So?

Today was...better. I fell like it was better, because I didn't go all out crazy with ice cream and shit like that. But I did eat way too much. I woke up and was so hungry. It was too much. I ate that and then went to work. After that  I came home, went for a run and then walked the dog. I'm chewing gum as my dinner.

I'm at 115lbs. So excited to go away for a little while. I feel more in control again. I feel good, but I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve to feel good or hungry. I'm not skinny. Why be anorexic if I'm not skinny. I ate today and that's a crime in itself. I don't deserve these feelings.

What I ate..was a lot. English muffin(120) egg whites (35) cheese (75) cereal (100) milk (60) peanut butter (120) 2 cookies (200) and some chicken (70) which rounds to about 780 calories. I don't deserve to be skinny. 

On the bright side, I wanted to post some famous thinspo to keep me motivated. Hopefully it helps you ladies too ;)

Emma Watson, she is literally on the verge of being under weight but I think she looks literally amazing. I wish  I was a tenth of as pretty as she is.

Emma Stone I liked as a red head best.

I love Kirsten Bell because she is shorter like me :)

Alyson Hannigan is short too!

There are a bunch more celebs I admire, but this is all I'm posting for this one. More to come!

Just SCREW

Got on the scale, 111lbs. While I should be happy and lucky that I'm still loosing, I'm mad. It used to be about a pound a day. What am I doing wrong? Yes the 730 calories today was a lot, but I exercised too! I hate that the lower you get the harder it is to loose, because gaining is still just as easy! It's a double standard. Screw you metabolism. Go suck an egg. OH WAIT YOU'D GAIN WEIGHT FROM THAT TOO WOULDN'T YOU?

Pissed.

Stupid Moderation

So this morning I tried to get my calorie count up to something a little more healthy, around 500 calories so I could have some energy for the day. Instead, I kind of went on a binge. But it was only around 730 calories. Is that a binge or am I just whining? I'm pissed at myself. I didn't need that many calories. I didn't purge either because I was late to work. 

I feel kind of better though, not as sluggish as before. But still 730 calories is a lot. Got on the scale after, and it showed I gained a complete pound. VERY MAD. I don't think it's all that accurate though, I drank 32 oz of water a few minutes before so perhaps it's off by some number :) Or I'm kidding my self like a fool. sounds more likely to me. 

Not eating for the rest of the day. May post again, just to record my official weight.

Numb

Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Back On Track

Today was a lazy day. I slept in and bummed around the house for majority of the day. I went for a walk and then went to work. Not extremely calorie burning, but not sleeping so I guess that's better than nothing.

I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 116.6! However, at the end of the day I weighed 117.2 :( I know it's not that bad of a difference but it still bugged me. I ate 230 calories in the form of cereal, grapes, mini muffins, Popsicles, and cucumbers. I'm getting addicted to low numbers again. What's stopping me from a caloric intake of double digits? I snack throughout the day and take a long time eating. But when I know I can't afford anymore calories I drink tea. I drink tea like nobody's business.

My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. I feel comfortable with him so I eat. But when I don't eat he gets suspicious. Not sure what to do. I'll try by best to restrict, I want to get down to 112 soon.

I have a food scale and really want to start using it to weigh in food. However, I don't want to create suspicion. Maybe I'll weigh everything when no one is around and prepackage! I'm a genius.

Keep drinking the tea, ladies!

Stay strong, stay skinny