Camp

So camp is ending in just a few days. I'm sorry girls. I really am. I wish I could tell you camp is a huge success and I've lost a bajillion pounds. I can't say that truthfully. I was put with a random girl and not my friends for a room mate. But she is really cool believe it or not. Turns out she had/has an ED too. She doesn't eat sometimes but she is trying to get better. She eats more than I do and actually inspired me to try and be normal like her. We're doing it together.

When we had a deep heart to heart, the next morning I decided I would get better. So after the previous days of working out for 5hrs and taking in about 300 calories (I was so dizzy and weak you would not believe it) I over ate for the entire day. Literally the entire day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Snacks. Binge Binge Binge Binge. I am so gross, weighing in at 113lbs. Camp was supposed to make me skinny. I'm such a fuck up. So now not only do I have to loose two pounds to break even, I have to loose the eleven pounds to get to my UGW. Fuck. And when I go home I can't work out for 5hrs without being noticed. I wasted an opportunity. Yet again I'm wasting and opportunity now by blogging and not doing crunches. Fuck.

I have another 3 day camp coming up at the end of the month. This one lasts only a few hours at the end of the day but is way more intense. Plus as a team we get food after. No watchful eyes of my family. My team mates notice that I don't eat and have been for the entire week. But right now I don't care. So they may label me as the girl who doesn't eat and rumors may spread. Honestly what is that going to do though? They aren't my family, they can't send me away. I don't think they'd stop being my friends. 

I hope they wouldn't. I have noticed on consecutive low calorie days I am the BIGGEST bitch in the world. Only to people very close to me though like immediate family or my boyfriend.

Anyways those girls can't do anything. I'll be skinny and there's nothing they can do about it. Ha ha I win. for once!

thinspo time!