Numb

Today I reaches a goal weight! 112.2 baby! yaaay! but I'm not all that excited. I don't know why. It just doesn't get me revved up or anything. I felt that way about a lot of things lately. This is about to get real personal by the way. Went out with the boy yesterday, for some reason things aren't perfect like they used to be. I feel like I can never match his sex drive. I never did, stuff like that, intimacy you know is just really hard for me. It's not enjoyable just stressful. Am I doing it right? Do I look fat at this angle? I feel bad I can't give him everything. Guilt is suffocating. I love him so much, he's so good to me. The best boy a girl could ever ask for. I feel so terrible. But I feel distant. Nothing emotional is really reaching me right now. I feel cold.

Went over a friends house a few days ago. Ate the food she made because I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Made all the low calorie choices, no extra sauce or helpings. So it was a spike day, I had about 650 calories.

Today I ran about 4miles, not collectively, and did ab work outs. I ate a banana. 90 calories.  Throughout the course of the day I've had about 5 cups of tea. Chewed and spat dinner to make it look like I ate. I hate chewing and spitting. I feel like I ate, even though I didn't. I worry about the oils or semi-digested food somehow slipping down my throat. I'd rather not touch anything but I have to keep up appearances. 

Spending the day with family tomorrow, which means I have to eat, or at least chew. UHG. I wanted to fast. Plans ruined.

The boy still loves me. And I still love him. No matter what. But I feel awful. Probably some self harm tonight, even though that will make him angrier. I need to feel something.

And now some beautiful thinspo for you so you can feel too

Why? Just, Why?

I weighed in at 114 today. I'm kind of really pissed though, because last night I was 114.2 Although, I hung out with my friend and yes we did binge. A lot. I ate until I was ready to pop. Then I went to the bathroom to pee, waited fifteen minutes and ate some more. Then I went home and continued to binge. Why? Why am I such an idiot? Did I really think that was a good idea at the time? However, I was kind of happy, because I've done this before and usually end up eating a lot more at home. I didn't as much this time, but I still ate. Which is very bad.

I purged after, and it was very successful, and almost easy. Like my body knew it was going to get rid of the excess weight. So that night after the purged I weighed in at 114.2 So I suppose I should be feeling lucky that I still lost weight, even if its a fraction of a pound after a mega binge.

Went out with the boy yesterday, too. Tried to take me out to lunch, told him I wasn't hungry. He got mad and lectured me on how I need to eat and that he thinks I don't. Can't be mad at him for being right. I promised him I would eat with him on Monday. Guess I should fast Sunday (which will be perfect I have work all day) and Monday morning.

Hanging out with other friends soon, good thing they aren't bingers like my close ana friend is. I'm pretty sure I can resist the food then.

Today I ate a little more than intended. An orange, toast, cucumbers, and jam. Totaled to around 350 calories. I didn't want to eat much of anything due to the day before. I only ate the cucumbers because I was extremely dizzy and had to go to work.

Right now I'm super hungry. And usually I'm not hungry. Probs because I stretched my stomach out yesterday and with the little I've fed it today it feels empty. It'll shrink tomorrow, I'm sure.

I watched the food channel all day, pretending to eat whatever delicacies were on the tele. It really helps me cope. Anyone else do this?

Hunger is just fat melting off the body! Stay strong!

Trickery

Spent the day out shopping. The boy tricked me into a sandwich and a half, totaling to around 350 calories. If that wasn't enough he put up a big stink about not eating the ice cream he got me. So like the fat obedient pig I am, I finished the damn thing. Another 360 calories. Which is disgusting, however, today I discovered something wonderful! Ice cream is perfect literally PERFECT to purge. It's easy to swallow, sweet and part liquid. Also it's cold so when it's coming back up, it doesn't burn your throat, it soothes it. Glad I made the discovery, but not so glad because I had to eat the ice cream. I tried to get as much of it out asap, without being gone for too long.

I want to go to the beach soon. It's too hot. I have work though, and that sucks.

Overall, I had about 880 calories. Which disappoints me greatly. I think in order to keep loosing the weight without a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge (my nemesis) I need to spike up to around 800-1000 calories every now and then. Not too often, maybe every three or four days. Until then I'll try to keep it around   200-375 calories each day.

I went for a very lazy run/walk at the crack ass of dawn this morning. Then a more serious 2mile run at the end of the day. Plus shopping and walking. Mall escalators help, but my feet ache from standing on them all day.

Weighed in at 115.2 at the end of the day today. Weeee! I'm afraid of a self-induced-crash-and-burn-binge. I know I will get a little lower before it, but not enough. I feel as every time I loose, I have a 'scary weight' a number that destroys me when I see it pop up on the scale. Last time it was 120 during my week long no self control streak. I only saw it twice. I know my next scary weight will be 116. I hope I never see it. 

Skipped dinner, per usual, hopefully I'll wake up around 114.8. Hopefully.

Stay strong and skinny!

Back On Track

Today was a lazy day. I slept in and bummed around the house for majority of the day. I went for a walk and then went to work. Not extremely calorie burning, but not sleeping so I guess that's better than nothing.

I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 116.6! However, at the end of the day I weighed 117.2 :( I know it's not that bad of a difference but it still bugged me. I ate 230 calories in the form of cereal, grapes, mini muffins, Popsicles, and cucumbers. I'm getting addicted to low numbers again. What's stopping me from a caloric intake of double digits? I snack throughout the day and take a long time eating. But when I know I can't afford anymore calories I drink tea. I drink tea like nobody's business.

My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. I feel comfortable with him so I eat. But when I don't eat he gets suspicious. Not sure what to do. I'll try by best to restrict, I want to get down to 112 soon.

I have a food scale and really want to start using it to weigh in food. However, I don't want to create suspicion. Maybe I'll weigh everything when no one is around and prepackage! I'm a genius.

Keep drinking the tea, ladies!

Stay strong, stay skinny

Rebound

Slowly coming out of my binge nightmare. I did purge today, even though it was after a meal a normal person would eat. After discarding that and a portion of my guts into the toilet (TMI?), I only had a small smoothie for the rest of the day. Proud of myself for stopping. 

Weighed in at 117 at the end of the day. Which is good considering I started at 119. I lied about doing the cardio and the run. I'm so spineless. Instead I did abs and went for a walk. 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with a close friend of mine soon this week. She's ana herself, and she knows I am although we haven't come out to each other yet. However when we hangout we binge together, and I'm not comfortable around her enough to purge. But without food, I'm afraid I won't be able to entertain her. Perhaps I'll propose starving together, but that isn't as much fun as making and eating a whole pan of brownies. I don't know how she will react to it either. I'm not sure what to do about this. Perhaps fasting before/after and letting loose when we chill together.

It's so much easier to say things and get an honest response while under the influence. It's not good, I know but at least everyone is being true.

Still not sure what to do about my friend. No idea. Is it bad that I secretly hope or plans fall through? Then I won't have to deal with temptation/guilt/self-loathing

Long Time Binge

So something went seriously wrong. Partly I think I was feeling great about being so close to one of my goal weights, 115. I even saw it flash briefly up on the scale. I felt good. So good. But I lost sight of what I wanted. I binged. and then puked. and then binged. and then puked. I did this about 3x a day for the past couples days.

I was disgusted stepping back on the scale, I had gone back up to 120lbs. I was the most upset I had been in a long time. I couldn't believe I had let myself to go that far.

In retrospect, it was only about 4lbs, but that number frightened me. Scared me shitless is more like it. But at that moment I kept eating and eating and eating. I had literally zero self control. Ice cream, candy, nuts, and my worse enemy PEANUT BUTTER. I didn't even taste the food as it went down. I purged and cried and cried. I purged blood, but I wouldn't let it stop me.

Today, I am better. Yes I did binge and purge, but only once. Stepping on the scale I'm at 118. Skipping dinner and I've planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

In these past couple dark days I didn't know if I could ever get back on track to under 800 calories a day. But now I KNOW I CAN. I know I must. I will try to run tomorrow, and I've even started working my abs again. Maybe I'll even do some cardio.

I'm ashamed on gaining all that weight and having no control so I did not feel I belong among you ladies. I was a disgrace. This is why I had not posted in a while. But I'm back and I will loose at least 8lbs in the next two months. Give me courage. I really need a buddy right now. Someone to email or text when I'm feeling bored or hungry. I want to support anyone else as well. Please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I really need it.

Drained

so. tired.

I am out of energy. But I feel great! That means I'm doing it right! and today, I'm down to 116.4!

so. tired.

But I'm not at all, because I'm still awake and I just don't want to sleep. Planning my meals out in advance has really helped me stay in control. At night I stumble around the world wide web, research calories and plan my limit for the day. It's helped tremendously.

I promised I'd help my little sister cook for her bake sale. I love cooking, I love feeding people (maybe cause I can watch them stuff their fat faces while I sip water) However, I never want to cook anything bad which means I have to do a fair amount of taste testing. I don't mind doing it, I do it very sparingly it just scares me because I don't know how many calories are going in my already enormous body.

Yesterday, I kept my net calorie intake under 250. Today its around 300. I hate that, being higher than the other day.

I'm going out with my boyfriend sometime this week. I'm nervous. I feel so relaxed around him, it's easy to binge. I don't want to loose all this progress. My stomach is shrunken, to the point where it feels normal to eat 300 calories today, and anything around 800 feels like a binge. I don't want my stomach stretching, but I always feel so good around him I forget about my image. He's my best friend, truly.

Motivation is so hard to find. I don't want to work out. I used to do ab exercises everyday when I was taking in around 1500 calories, but I'm just so tired. I'm making excuses, I know I'm pathetic. But for some reason I just can't dig up the motivation. I look skinny but I still have the lower belly pouch. Abs is so hard, I'd rather do 30min of cardio than 10min of abs. I have no idea why, it's driving me crazy. Please encourage me, I need it.

Stay starving ladies ;)

do you seriously need to think on which you'd rather have?